Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Ugh!

So here it is almost 5am and I'm still awake!!! I don't know why I allow anxiety to rule my life like this. I've been feeling really anxious the past few days. Mentally it's not so bad, but it's the physical aspects of anxiety that are so damn nerve wracking. Feeling light headed and dizzy for no reason at all, not being able to control it. That's why I can't sleep. Even when I lay down I feel like the room is spinning. So here I am, 5 am, drinking a glass of ice water waiting until it stops and I can go to sleep.

I hope no one is reading this blog thinking i'm completely insane. I know anxiety is really hard for people to understand. Even my boyfriend has a hard time knowing what I go through or how to help, but he tries his best. I know it can't be easy. I hate dealing with this. It feels like you are stuck inside your own head and can't get out.

I was laying in bed thinking to myself, just how did it get to this point? Where did the anxiety come from? Why do I feel so out of control with my emotions and how they effect me? I used to feel so in control of my life. I think in a way it's sort of like ptsd ( post traumatic stress disorder.) I just had so many terrible things happen to me the past several years and all of this stress just built up and somehow has managed to overtake my life from me.

This is pretty personal stuff, but my mom died when I was 19. It was completely unexpected and shocking. It thats not enough to cause it, it gets worse. I didn't get very good grades afterwards, so I decided to move closer to home and transfer schools. Then I wind up getting laid off from my job and having to move in with my dad for awhile. Then I finally get back out on my own and start going back to school and wind up in a bad car accident. I wasn't able to work for months, so I got behind on bills. Then I started working again and finished school. Not anything special but a small degree. I eventually met this really great guy and way on down the road we wound up moving in together, and then I found out I was going to have a baby. Wasn't exactly planned, but I was happy about it. We made the mistake of deciding to move in with his mom to save up money for a house. BIG mistake. Ladies, if you are reading this. Do not make that move!!! If the woman is nice, maybe it would work. And as far as I knew she was nice. By the time we got down there, big 360. She turned into a megabitch. I have no idea why she hates me, I've never done anything to her, but she hates everyone. That whole thing is a whole 'notha story that would take FOREVER! lol. Anywho, she kicked us out when I was about 6 months pregnant. For no reason. I think she was mad that she found out we were having a boy, cuz she kicked us out that day! We moved out into an apartment and dealt with that stupid town for a bit until we could save money to move back home. Finally we got back to our hometown and was happy and got jobs. Then one day we took our son in for what sounded like a cold and found out he has cancer.

The most important thing is that he is healthy now. He's off treatment and his tumor continues to shrink. I still stress over other things though. I quit my job when he got sick and now we are running low on the money we had saved up. It's hard for me to find a job because of the hours B works, plus no one to watch little man.

Wow that was long!!! If you've already given up reading this post, I forgive ya! If you're still here, God bless you! I feel a little bit better getting that off my chest. I guess I have a reason for all of this anxiety, that's alot for someone to experience before their 26th birthday. And that's not even all of it. I think seeing a therapist would be beneficial, but can't afford it without insurance. It's okay, I'll figure it all out. Just need to try and relax and take it one day at a time. If I could get through all of that and make it out on the other side, I'm sure not going to let anxiety stop me!! Well, think i'm going to try and get some sleep now, little man will be up soon.

2 comments:

  1. Its really admirable that you have gone through so many things at such a young age and are still able to keep control of your life. Even more so, you're struggling every day to better yourself! Thats wonderful. I'm truly sorry about the events that have happened in your life. You didn't deserve such trauma. However, you are demonstrating great strength by fighting through all of what you have been put through.

    I really admire you. :) Hey, if you could get through all of that and come out alive, I think you could kick anything in the butt and get away with it!

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  2. Thank you so much!! I really appreciate you saying that!:) You are right though, even when we face the hard times, we have to look back and remember all of the things we've already gotten through and hold onto that strength.

    Thanks for following the blog too. You were my first official follower, Yay!

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